Stepmothers: Exploring the Myth

Ellen Pilon is a library assistant in the Patrick Power Library at Saint
Mary’s University in Halifax.

Stepmothers is aptly subtitled “A Survival Guide for Stepfamilies.”

“We wrote this book,” say the authors, both stepmothers themselves, “because we believe second marriages can survive, and individuals can be enriched by the stepfamily experience.” The book demonstrates the skill of its authors.

Over the course of three years the authors had discussions with about 300 stepfamilies. Results from these discussions plus their own personal experiences are the basis of their research. The findings are intelligibly organized into seven chapters, each well organized, clearly written, and boasting a concise outline of salient points for stepmothers, custodial fathers, natural mothers, children, and extended families. An annotated bibliography of 14 entries concludes the book.

The essential argument pervading Stepmothers is that stepmothers must recognize that children will love their natural mothers most in the world. Natural mothers must allow their children to recognize the contribution the stepmother is making to their welfare. Perspective can be gained, or regained, by putting the marriage first, not the children. The authors have identified a Cinderella’s Stepmother’s Syndrome which includes identity confusion, a sense of helplessness with ineffective coping skills, exhaustion/burn-out, feelings of inadequacy, anger at rejection, and anxiety.

In Stepmothers the authors examine what is involved in being a stepmother, they identify many problems stepmothers face, and they offer sound suggestions for coping. Caring for children on a day-to-day basis, stepfamily structure, legal issues, the extended family and how it works, dealing with special events such as weddings or funerals are some of the subjects the authors capably discuss.

The authors state that their aim “has been to bring the difficulties stepmothers face into full public view so the reasons they have historically been viewed as ‘wicked’ can be appreciated for what they are.” They have succeeded; the book would be an excellent guide for anyone undertaking any role in a stepfamily.