They Love You, They Love Me Not: The Truth About the Family Favorite and Sibling Rivalry

Jane Heath teaches psychology at Ryerson Polytechnical University in
Toronto.

The theory of personality development presented in this book is based on
two central assumptions, referred to as “family theory” and
“favouritism.” According to family theory, in every family there is
a primary love giver (the more loving parent), whose sole attention the
children compete for, and an auxiliary love giver (the less loving
parent), whose love and attention are less valued by the children.
Favouritism refers to the varying preferences that the primary love
giver demonstrates toward siblings. Whether or not a child is favored is
seen by Rabie-Azoory as the central determinant of his or her
personality and future behaviour. Depression, aggression, anxiety,
eating disorders, phobias, manipulativeness, poor judgment, and
immaturity are some of the negative consequences experienced by siblings
who occupy the less-favored positions in the family. This theory, the
author states, provides an explanation for “all of human
motivation.”

Notwithstanding Rabie-Azoory’s claims that her theory is more than
compelling Freudian, Adlerian, or learning theories in explaining
personality and behaviour, the fact remains that it rests solely on her
personal experiences as a therapist and a parent and on anecdotes taken
from biographical and autobiographical data. Nevertheless, the book does
provide some reasoned and practical guidelines for recognizing and
dealing with sibling rivalry.