Reconcilable Differences: Marriages End. Families Don't.

Janet Arnett is the former campus manager of adult education at Ontario’s Georgian College. She is the author of Antiques and Collectibles: Starting Small, The Grange at Knock, and 673 Ways to Save Money.

Traditionally, it is the children who suffer most in a divorce, either losing one parent or bouncing back and forth between two households, in effect reduced to having two half-parents. Increasingly, thoughtful couples seek to avoid these disasters, yet proceed with divorce. The objective is to end a dysfunctional marriage yet retain a functional family.

Cochran, a well-known CBC producer, has “been there, done that,” and seen first-hand that it can work. Here, she presents 10 examples, including her own situation, in which “the nightmare didn’t happen” but rather the divorced couple found ways to raise the children together. By reconfiguring the family, these “relationship pioneers” found ways to avoid the children becoming “divorce nomads.”

In each of the 10 examples of reconfigured families it is apparent that it takes work to live compatibly with a former spouse and to parent together after other aspects of the marriage are dissolved. Issues covered include coping with in-laws, finances, housing, new partners, household chores, shopping, mutual support, and the everyday tasks of parenting. The work becomes a study in blended families as new partners, including same-sex partners, join the various family structures and establish relationships with the children, ex-spouse, and ex-in-laws. Housing is also a central issue as couples work out ways to stay together geographically yet split up emotionally.

While it is inevitable there will be stress and countless issues in a family going through a major transition, Cochran shows that it is possible to end a marriage without devastating a family.

The book is well-organized and tightly edited, making for smooth reading. Direct quotes from the 10 couples and an appendix giving the names of all the members of each family add credibility and strengthen the professional tone of the work.