Surviving Sam

Darleen R. Golke is a high-school teacher-librarian in Winnipeg,
Manitoba.

An avalanche robbed Pagan Riddler of her twin, Sam, on their 14th
birthday and seriously injured her. Three years later, Pagan is
physically healed but still struggles psychologically to come to terms
with the enormity of her loss. Caught in a cycle of depression and
survivor guilt, she severs ties with former friends, attempts suicide,
suffers panic attacks, engages in self-destructive behavior, and goes
through the motions of daily living, isolated and in pain. “I want to
be normal,” she admits, “but I don’t deserve to be.” Her
parents, trapped in their own grief, seem unable to offer much
assistance. Pagan finally accepts her psychiatrist’s advice and tries
antidepressant drugs that do not immediately erase the pain, but dull
the edges and make life more bearable. She rejoins family life,
reconnects with her peers, goes on dates, attends parties, and
rediscovers biking with Sam’s best friend Dan, who faces his own
demons. Eventually, she realizes that she has grown up without Sam, that
she’s no longer his double but a young woman with a future.
“Everything is changing,” she finally acknowledges, “but instead
of feeling afraid all the time, I feel almost hopeful.”

Pagan tells her story with honesty, introspection, and tenacity, giving
the reader extraordinary insight into her deepest despair and guarded
optimism. Structurally, a prologue and epilogue combine with three
sections—the dullness of fall, the barrenness of winter, and the hope
of spring—as we follow her on her remarkable journey from desolation
to enlightenment. Highly recommended.