How Not to Completely Suck as a New Parent

Britta Santowski is a freelance writer in Victoria.

The back cover of this tongue-in-cheek “how-to” guidebook for
parents suggests it might be “a perfect tonic for frazzled new parents
and anxious parents-to-be,” but the contents suggest otherwise.

The humour is tirelessly and relentlessly clichéd. For instance, the
preliminary pages present a list of books not by the authors, including
(faux) titles such as “Disciplining Your Child: When to Be Cruel to Be
Kind and When to Be Cruel Just Because It’s Fun.” The chapter on
“Signs You May Have Picked a Bad Daycare” lists items such as
“Playground slide ends in blood-coated spikes” and “Child returns
home with a tattoo.” The chapter on “Resuming Sexual Relations after
the Birth of Your Child” is wrapped up in two words, “As if.” The
intended audience is not just the “new parent” but, more
specifically, male. The text is littered with gender-specific comments:
“Now that the initial rush of having a baby has ended ... Your breasts
are swollen and tender. Your belly is flabby and distended. Your wife
may have similar problems.”

This mildly funny book might appeal to adults contemplating parenthood,
or parents already deeply entrenched in parenthood (for example, beyond
the infant stage), but perhaps not to the parent with a colicky infant,
desperately seeking guidance.