Animal Crackers: The Outrageous Adventures of an Urban Vet

Ann Moynes Smith is a high-school English teacher in Toronto.

According to the author biography, “Mel Tonken, D.V.M., is widely
recognized as a world class doctor of veterinary medicine.” This book
about Dr. Tonken’s “outrageous adventures” reveals him to be a vet
of world-class incompetence.

In 15 tediously similar chapters, Tonken relates what are meant to be
hilarious encounters between him and various pets and their owners.
Unfortunately, in too many instances, the humor is grim. The least
amusing of his anecdotes involves a beloved (deceased) Labrador named
Nero, who was stored in the freezer at the vet’s office, awaiting
cremation. The owner decided to say one last goodbye, so Tonken’s
staff attempted to thaw the animal’s corpse before the owner arrived.
Trying to make the animal appear more lifelike, they wedged a hammer
between the front leg and the body; there ensued “a sickening crack
... and, with a thud, Nero’s leg landed on the floor.” Tonken tries
to present this scene as some hilarious vaudevillian farce, and fails
wretchedly; the reader is repelled and disgusted.

Tonken’s writing style is chatty, informal, and melodramatic. He says
whatever is necessary to make his story work. Too often his words
provoke disbelief. When he traveled to farms outside Calgary, he knew
the mountains were always in the west, but he “never did figure out
north and south.” He is phobic around birds and snakes , but never
calls in someone else to handle such patients. The reader must tolerate
his admitted employment of lies and deceit in the animals’ treatment,
all in the name of humor. Yet these stories are based on actual events.
Tonken’s arrogance (disguised as humor) does nothing to build the
reader’s confidence in either his veterinary or his literary skills.
He may aspire to be Canada’s answer to James Herriott, but Mel Tonken
is no James Herriott.